The Relationship Values List: 36 Values to Help You Choose a Partner

If you have ever been asked what you are looking for in a partner and answered with a height, a job or “someone funny”, you are not alone. A relationship values list helps you go one level deeper: from the type of person you are drawn to, to the qualities that decide whether you will actually be happy together.

Relationship values are the principles that shape how you want to live and love: what you prioritise, how you treat each other and the life you want to build. Honesty, family, independence and growth are all examples. Below you will find 36 of them, with what each one tends to look like in a partner, and a simple way to find the five that matter most to you.

Why most of us date by type instead of by values

In my twenties, my list for a partner was four physical traits. I am not exaggerating. I kept ending up in relationships that started with amazing chemistry and went nowhere, and I could not understand why.

It was not that chemistry was wrong. It was that I was using it as my first and only filter. Nobody had taught me to ask what I valued, or how I would recognise it in someone else. Most of the high-performing singles I work with in Zürich are the same: brilliantly clear about what they want in their careers, and surprisingly vague about what they want in a partner.

Values change that. They give you something more reliable than chemistry alone to go on.

The relationship values list

Read through slowly and notice your first reaction. The values that make you think “yes, obviously” are the ones to pay attention to.

Character

• Honesty: tells you where they stand early, without games
• Integrity: behaves the same way whether or not it benefits them
• Kindness: treats waiters, friends and exes with respect
• Respect: disagrees with you without dismissing you
• Responsibility: apologises properly and repairs after conflict
• Courage: faces difficult conversations instead of avoiding them
• Generosity: offers help without keeping score
• Empathy: notices how you feel before you have to explain it
• Loyalty: shows up for you in public and in private
• Trust: does what they say they will do, so trust can build

Connection

• Open communication: can name what they feel, and listens when you do
• Affection: shows care physically and verbally, in a way you can feel
• Humour: can laugh at themselves and with you, even on hard days
• Fun: makes ordinary days feel lighter
• Curiosity: asks follow-up questions and remembers your answers
• Calm: stays steady under stress and does not create unnecessary drama
• Equality: expects to share the mental load, the chores and the big decisions
• Openness: is open-minded about different ways of living and loving

Lifestyle

• Adventure: says yes to plans that are new to both of you
• Independence: has a full life of their own and respects yours
• Freedom: does not try to control your time, choices or friendships
• Health: takes care of themselves, at a rhythm that is compatible with yours
• Nature: happily swaps a city weekend for the mountains or the lake
• Culture and the arts: enjoys exploring music, theatre, food and ideas together
• Creativity: values your creative side and has one of their own
• Learning: brings ideas to the table and enjoys yours
• Balance: protects time for the relationship, not just their calendar
• Community: is connected to people and welcomes yours

Life direction

• Family: wants family to be part of life, in a way that fits yours
• Stability: is consistent, and their words and actions match week after week
• Commitment: is clear that they want a long-term relationship
• Ambition: supports your goals rather than competing with them
• Financial security: has a responsible relationship with money and talks about it openly
• Faith or spirituality: respects, and ideally shares, how you find meaning
• Tradition: values meaningful rituals, or is happy to build new ones with you
• Personal growth: is curious about their own patterns and open to feedback

How to find your five

A list of 36 values is not useful on a date. Five is. Here is the process I use with clients:

1. Long list: choose the 8 to 12 values that feel true for you. Go with your first reaction, not what you think you should value.
2. Shortlist: imagine you could only bring five into your next relationship. Which would you never trade away?
3. Rank: compare them in pairs. If honesty and adventure pulled in different directions, which would win?
4. Define: for each value, write what it means to you, why it matters and how you would recognise it in someone else.

That last step matters most. Two people can both say “family is important” and mean completely different things: Sunday lunch with your parents every week, or three children. The word is the same; the life is not.

If you would like to do this now, I built a complimentary ten-minute tool that walks you through all four steps: Your Core Five. At the end you get your five values in your own words, what each looks like in a partner, and questions to ask on a date.

Do you need to share all your values with a partner?

No, and this is one of the most freeing things to understand. Research by relationship psychologist Dr Terri Orbuch found that being similar on the surface, such as income, personality or religion, did not predict whether couples stayed together. What mattered was sharing the underlying values and attitudes: how you want family, faith or money to show up in everyday life.

Other research points the same way: similarity in values and life goals has a small positive effect on relationship satisfaction, while each partner’s own qualities, such as kindness and emotional stability, tend to matter more.

In practice, your values fall into three groups:

• Values a partner needs to share, because they shape your life together: children, faith, where you want to live
• Values a partner needs to respect, even if they do not share them: your independence, your love of adventure, your creativity
• Values that are simply yours, which a partner only needs to make room for

This is especially relevant in a city like Zürich, where so many of us date across cultures, languages and backgrounds. Two people from very different places can build something strong when the values underneath line up.

From values to what you need in a partner

Once you know your five, the next step is turning them into decisions: what you need, what would be nice and what is an automatic no. I write more about that difference in Relationship Values, Needs and Preferences: What’s the Difference? and in How to Know What You Want in a Relationship.

When you are ready, the complimentary Partner Profile turns your Core Five into those three lists in about five minutes.

And if you would rather work through this with support, this is exactly where we start in 1:1 coaching: your values first, then a dating strategy built around them.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

You cannot control who you will click with. You can choose who you invest in.

If you would like to talk about what you are looking for and how to find it, book your complimentary 25-minute call, or read more about how coaching works.