How I Let Chemistry Drive Poor Relationship Decisions - And How You Can Avoid The Same!

I am a life-long, die-hard romantic. And, I am a super-optimist.

Even in my happiest single moments, and my worst, wrong relationships (or situationships), the belief and knowing that true love conquers all gave me the strength and knowing that things would all work out. And they did! But, along the way, I have met many meanders in my love story, due to the blinders - and glory - of the power of chemistry!

When I look back on all of my past serious relationships - and the many which did not mature to such phase - there was always an initial spark that got the fire going. In my more fortunate situations, it only cost me one date or perhaps a few fleeting exchanges. In others, I invested years into relationships which - had I approached with a more rationale approach - could have been nipped in the bud, much sooner.

Of course, if I would go back, I wouldn't change a thing! Today, I am grateful for every experience and every love interest I have had; not only have they brought me to a very happy place, but they have led me to uncover and dissect parts of myself which likely would not have been investigated, with such finesse. And, I likely would not have pursued the passion project turned profession, that is Covalent Connection.

The Science Class I Missed

Back in university, I took a neuroscience class and I learnt about how neurochemicals shape our brains.  Unfortunately I skipped - or wasn't paying attention to - the lesson on love. Probably because I was too busy being swept up in the throes of lust, fueled by;

• Oxytocin - the love hormone
• Dopamine - the addiction reward chemical
• Norepinephrine - the dreamy butterflies and clammy hands
• Serotonin - that obsessive infatuation, that always fades into something a little less shiny

Combining this chemistry-driven mania with my rose-tinted optimism was - I soon learned - to my detriment.

The Hard Truth from My Dating Coach

One of the first exercises I did with my dating coach was analysing my past relationship patterns - a topic we will cover in Your Dating Algorithm, the first chapter of my online program.

To my horror, she very frankly shared a very simple observation:

'You stay too long in the wrong relationships'

My inner scientist's ego took a hit. I thought I was good at spotting patterns - and here she was, summing up all of my troubles in a simple, eight-word sentence. She had captured the key learning from my 11.5 cumulative years' experience, collected from four series relationships, in about 90 seconds.

Time For a New Recipe

From that moment, I had a new mission: no longer would I allow chemistry to dictate my love decisions!

The coaching methodology had clear guidelines in place: define my ideal partner and calibrate each date against it. 

But, the more fascinating part of my learning came from tuning into my body's physical responses. This wasn't part of the program… it just happened!

To my shock, whenever I dated men I was physically attracted to, but where something felt 'off', my body spoke to me. I could not sleep. Not from anxiety about seeing them or nerves about how the next date would go - I am quite a keen and confident dater, more on that another day! - but my body literally woke me up at 2 or 3 a.m. and refused to let me return to sleep.

I took this as a clear sign from my inner self. My intuition was expressing, through my body, before my mind could catch up.

My key learning

Though chemistry can feel like such a hoot in the moment, it isn't always your ally. But, when you align your body and your mind, you can use it to your advantage. By combining a clear blueprint of what I was looking for, with rational - and honest - reflection, and staying attuned to the messages of my body, I learned to distinguish the difference between fleeting, flirty sparks and real-lasting connection.